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April 13, 2016: 4:02 PM: Shadow Updates

Ugh, out of the fire and into the frying pan. Yes I used the metaphor backwards, it went from really bad to bad. >_> Still not any good though. I won’t try to draw on and on with it, but it’s been a sucky day overall. My laundry, thanks to that escapade last week, has piled up due to everyone else’s being done, when at the start of the week mine was the most prevalent. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ So it’s just starting to be done, and we have some furniture dudes over with a new couch, as the old one “didn’t satisfy” my mother. >_> Because the buttons in the dipped slightly at the left end, of all things. Anyways, so due to lack of clothes, and I wasn’t even given the time to have a shower, I was seen in my pjs, and while that sort of thing doesn’t really bother me, it’s the fact that it happened, (and I was supposed to be down anyways to help, it’s not like I could’ve been in my room) and that mom spared no decency for it. So when one of them, offhandedly mentioned “just got up eh?” and smiled to let me know it was a joke, (in a friendly manner I assume) I just shrugged and replied “I’ve been busy all morning, haven’t been allowed a chance to get dressed.” He raised a eyebrow, glanced at mom, (whom was out of earshot at the door, chatting up a dude she kept going on about because he had a nice build. ) and shook his head slowly, as if to say “some people”. I ignored it, and continued on with the job at hand.

It’s stuff like this, that alike to the song Hit the Floor:

There are just too many times people have tried to look inside of me,
Wondering what I think of you, and I protect you out of curtesy.
Too many times I’ve held on when I needed to push away,
Afraid to say what’s on my mind, afraid to say what I need to say,
Too many things you’ve said about me when I’m not around,
You think have the upper hand means you gotta keep putting me down.

So I’m not hiding it anymore. If she wants to throw me under the bus, I’ll be explaining the truth behind things. :sigh:

And of course, I smile brightly after they go, mom smiles back and is like “that was awesome, and he is so cute” (proceeds to talk about the dude) and I smile and nod, hiding the mounting frustration, and marvelling at the fact she is so darn blind to the emotions around her, or am I actually getting good at hiding my emotions? ¯\_(._.)_/¯

“Isn’t it sad, when you are hurt so often that you can say “I’m used to it”?”

So things went “good” surface wise, aside from the depressed abyss that I found again inside me.
Then, a while later, I am taking care of the youngest, and I go and notice my sis on her device before the magic “hour” we are allowed on. I put it that way, not to seem as if I depend on it, (although often it’s the only thing keeping me sane, venting here, talking and helping people who actually appreciate it, and researching) but as its a thing hated and loved, as she’s very very strict with it, so I hate it, yet I wait eagerly for when I’ll be able to escape, at least partly, and talk to people who don’t just dismiss me. >_>

So I’m like “oh, we aren’t allowed on yet are we?” And get back a casual “oh, I told her I gave you guys permission” from my mom.
“You didn’t tell me”
*shrug* “you were upstairs, oops”

Now it’s really a small thing, but it gets under my skin, especially the few friends I do have, wonder why I’m not on when my sis is, and then there’s always that niggling doubt if I was ignoring them or something (as I know I get those sometimes) and it just, irritates me on top of everything else. I dunno, this one is probably me overreacting, but….

I dunno. I sometimes wonder what I’m waiting for. I feel alone still, and while I have great people to talk to, I always feel like I’m letting them down, or are the third wheel, (which has been a thing, as often lately I’ve tried to bring up certain subjects, but it’ll get steamrolled by my sis and her topics, or it’ll go unnoticed in the slew of emojis and messages about that anime movie, or that emotional anime, or this art, or that, etc. I only get to talk about my sort of stuff in pm occasionally, and it’s when they are calm and all that, as that’s when the thoughtful side comes out, that my sis often seems to subconsciously banish, unless a friend is having a bad day, then she’ll all go mimic what I do, and try to comfort the person. And she says she couldn’t see me as a therapist, or that type of person. 0_o :sigh:)

Lotta self doubt, and depression.

I’m sorry for going on like that, but thank you for reading through it, it may not be very positive, but I’ll have my ear out as always, if you need to speak out. :sadhug: Talk again later.

April 9, 2016: 5:23 PM: Shadow Updates

Hey everyone, apologies for taking so long once again, I’ve been very stressed as of late, and I haven’t found the alone time to be on these things much.

Everyone the past week has caught some form of flu bug, which sucks, me being the latest and likely last one, as everyone else has gone through it. Some kind of throat scratch, really more annoying than a actual hindrance. >_> Ah well, such is the way of life.

It’s been… Busy. We have gotten a lot of housework done, although anytime I ask for my stuff to be setup, it keeps being put aside. I know that sounds selfish of me, but it’s been over three months, and it doesn’t take that long. My mother says once things have calmed down, she would get to it. (Things never calm down with her) Soo yeah, I’ve been contemplating ways to try and ask if I could just do it myself, as the saying goes “if you want something done right, do it yourself”.

Beyond that, things skiihilled downwards the day before yesterday, as a larger-than-normal issue between my younger brother and my mom, I got caught in the “shrapnel” of her being mad, and I didn’t lose my device, but she basically said “you’re on your own”. Didn’t kick me out of the house (thankfully) or anything, but basically I wasn’t there. And it came to the point that day where if I went to use the washroom, she slammed on the door and started shouting if she needed to get something, and forced me out. >_> In general, I got pushed around more than usual, and was a extra entity, for all that she cared (to be honest, not too much different from norm, just with more dispassion, and more force. >_<) Either way, it's seems to have calmed down after she got stared at while we were out, because she shouted at me for "walking in front of her" and a woman glanced at her as if she was crazy. Which, in that instance, I would agree with. It's like she gets a high from being "powerful". Ugh.

Anyways, since it's cooled down now, and i feel bad for just complaining, at least it's been okay today, despite the flu.

I hope your day has been good reader, happy after Easter, and I will talk to you guys again later. ^_^ Stay strong.

March 21, 2016: 10:28 PM: Shadow Updates

(more…)

March 15, 2016: 8:27 PM: Shadow Updates

Aaand my draft apparently kept, yay. xD Now I’ve typed it twice for no reason. Oops.

—————————-


You ever feel like you were slated to be blamed, for no other reason than it’s you? Yeah, that feeling. 🙁

I made quite a long post, and planned for it to be a lot shorter, not sure which I plan to do now. I’ll just let my words speak for themselves.

So, without dramatics, today was not great. We (as in my family) came home from shopping, and I sat down, finishing something on my phone, the youngest two around the corner of the room playing together. (8 and 4) so I hear them starting to get hyper, so finish what I’m doing and stand up, and see them throwing Lego at each other.
Enough is enough, before it becomes a actual issue, I call the younger one over, and lead him to mom in the kitchen.

I ask what to do, slightly exasperated (as if you’ve seen some of my posts, the two youngest are often going at each other, causing problems (let alone the 8 yr old often causes delays, due to his, personality, which is well, very immature for his age) and before I can say they were throwing Lego, she looks at me sideways, and gets annoyed at me for being “heavy handed” and steams herself into a rant that ends with me at the table, my device lost, and for fear of further rebuke, I couldn’t get a chance to say WHY I removed him.
(again, I lose track of how often she takes my device away, it’s just sad. Now some of you may not have understood this, but the internet is my really only connection to any form of friends (actual friends, not like random Facebook people like typical teenagers so I hear) and my only escape from daily life with her. I haven’t mentioned this, but she is a ENTJ, covert narcissist, and a lot to handle every day. ( ._.) )

Finally she turns around and stops, and I get to say as such.

She looks at me, miffed and annoyed for now another reason, as she goes “why the *censored* didn’t you say that when you brought him in here? You wasted my time, and now I’m angry, and you’ve just caused yourself a headache. Way to go ‘myname'”.

“But you didn’t let me say anything before you got onto the rant!” I say, not bothering to hide my upset-ness I was currently feeling, due to this injustice. (but hide my frustration, as apparently she’s the only one allowed to feel that according to her >__>

So I “meekly” (wasn’t feeling meek, but have to be all subverted with her or she just goes off AGAIN) ask if I can go, given permission, (along with my device thank goodness, despite not doing anything that would lose me it, there has been the times where she’ll say no “just because”)
But “if I can’t make supper in the time I wanted to, I’m not making it, I don’t care if it wasn’t your fault or not.”

honestly I’m used to it now, (which is sad by itself) but I will say, speak out if this rings a bell with your parent, or a situation that seems familiar.

But, I digress. I know I’m not the only one dealing with a covert narcissistic parent, let me know if this lit any lightbulbs in your head, as I know that for the longest time I constantly dealt with the guilt of not knowing what I was doing wrong (and often that guilt still haunts me).

I’m up here in my room now, crying and emptying the well so-to-speak. Despite it being a bad idea sometimes, to show emotion while around a narcissist, it’s equally bad to just suppress emotion. It’s like a tide, you have to let it ebb, flow, and recede, otherwise it will build up and crash, and leave you out of control of your emotions more so, which isn’t good for you, emotionally or mentally. 🙁

Going back downstairs in a few, going to have my “mask” back on, and I hope things go better.

It’s difficult, being in this position, but hopefully I will be, (and you, person reading this that is going through the same thing) in a better place soon, where I can use my empathic emotions and personality to help others, and be happy.

It may be tough, but I’ll hold out for that day, I know it’s not now, but it will be here someday. Just know, there is someone out there, that can relate to you. :sadhug:

Talk another time, best wishes for your day,

Void.

March 11, 2016: 1:47 AM: Shadow Updates

Sigh. Takes forever with my mother. :/ Lost my device yet again, quite a few days ago, this time I was on my phone talking to someone via live text on a game, I was called to help, and while there I went to tell the person I would be busy, it took literally one or two seconds (and I didn’t even get to send it due to internet connections) and mom got pissed off, into a rant, and I lost my phone, and due to my sis’s “attitude” according to mom, she lost hers in the same swoop. Which has her blaming me (not that I fault her for that exactly, I feel guilty. :/ ( ._.) ) and giving me the cold shoulder, something just defrosting today.
And not just lost, but passwords changed as well kinda deal. And if I asked for it, “the payment for internet for the devices is being cancelled.”
Soo yea. And she has been getting upset for the slightest thing lately, like she’s been running out of stuff to be upset about, like I forgot to bring a laundry basket up, which took all of 30 seconds to do once I was reminded. >_>

So all in all, nothing is ever easy with her,
And my laptop prep has been delayed, yet again. (As I can’t exactly do that with not even having my phone right?)

I don’t have access to it still, just been “allowed” on it right now, which is annoying. :sigh:

So yeah, that’s been this week.

Sorry that this hasn’t been a great first post, but hopefully things improve soon. :sadhug:

: 1:41 AM: Core Threads, Shadow Updates

Hi everyone. This is Void, and since apparently on PC, blogs are not allowed (oops) so my Day Updates thread will be here.

Its very confusing, and I’m actually typing this while it’s very late, so excuse my lack of finesse, I hope this site works out well, it’s a lot of complicated options. xD

 

Unfortunately there is no reply threads I think, if there is I will use it, but otherwise comments can be used to reply and talk, alright? 🙂

 

Ciao!

Void

: 1:07 AM: Core Threads

Hi, this is Voidshadow, and welcome to my little abode, where I update on how things are going on, and talk about things, basically a blog. ^_^

So, take a look around, and see what is going on. 🙂

 

Void