Ugh, out of the fire and into the frying pan. Yes I used the metaphor backwards, it went from really bad to bad. >_> Still not any good though. I won’t try to draw on and on with it, but it’s been a sucky day overall. My laundry, thanks to that escapade last week, has piled up due to everyone else’s being done, when at the start of the week mine was the most prevalent. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ So it’s just starting to be done, and we have some furniture dudes over with a new couch, as the old one “didn’t satisfy” my mother. >_> Because the buttons in the dipped slightly at the left end, of all things. Anyways, so due to lack of clothes, and I wasn’t even given the time to have a shower, I was seen in my pjs, and while that sort of thing doesn’t really bother me, it’s the fact that it happened, (and I was supposed to be down anyways to help, it’s not like I could’ve been in my room) and that mom spared no decency for it. So when one of them, offhandedly mentioned “just got up eh?” and smiled to let me know it was a joke, (in a friendly manner I assume) I just shrugged and replied “I’ve been busy all morning, haven’t been allowed a chance to get dressed.” He raised a eyebrow, glanced at mom, (whom was out of earshot at the door, chatting up a dude she kept going on about because he had a nice build. ) and shook his head slowly, as if to say “some people”. I ignored it, and continued on with the job at hand.
It’s stuff like this, that alike to the song Hit the Floor:
There are just too many times people have tried to look inside of me,
Wondering what I think of you, and I protect you out of curtesy.
Too many times I’ve held on when I needed to push away,
Afraid to say what’s on my mind, afraid to say what I need to say,
Too many things you’ve said about me when I’m not around,
You think have the upper hand means you gotta keep putting me down.
So I’m not hiding it anymore. If she wants to throw me under the bus, I’ll be explaining the truth behind things. :sigh:
And of course, I smile brightly after they go, mom smiles back and is like “that was awesome, and he is so cute” (proceeds to talk about the dude) and I smile and nod, hiding the mounting frustration, and marvelling at the fact she is so darn blind to the emotions around her, or am I actually getting good at hiding my emotions? ¯\_(._.)_/¯
“Isn’t it sad, when you are hurt so often that you can say “I’m used to it”?”
So things went “good” surface wise, aside from the depressed abyss that I found again inside me.
Then, a while later, I am taking care of the youngest, and I go and notice my sis on her device before the magic “hour” we are allowed on. I put it that way, not to seem as if I depend on it, (although often it’s the only thing keeping me sane, venting here, talking and helping people who actually appreciate it, and researching) but as its a thing hated and loved, as she’s very very strict with it, so I hate it, yet I wait eagerly for when I’ll be able to escape, at least partly, and talk to people who don’t just dismiss me. >_>
So I’m like “oh, we aren’t allowed on yet are we?” And get back a casual “oh, I told her I gave you guys permission” from my mom.
“You didn’t tell me”
*shrug* “you were upstairs, oops”
Now it’s really a small thing, but it gets under my skin, especially the few friends I do have, wonder why I’m not on when my sis is, and then there’s always that niggling doubt if I was ignoring them or something (as I know I get those sometimes) and it just, irritates me on top of everything else. I dunno, this one is probably me overreacting, but….
I dunno. I sometimes wonder what I’m waiting for. I feel alone still, and while I have great people to talk to, I always feel like I’m letting them down, or are the third wheel, (which has been a thing, as often lately I’ve tried to bring up certain subjects, but it’ll get steamrolled by my sis and her topics, or it’ll go unnoticed in the slew of emojis and messages about that anime movie, or that emotional anime, or this art, or that, etc. I only get to talk about my sort of stuff in pm occasionally, and it’s when they are calm and all that, as that’s when the thoughtful side comes out, that my sis often seems to subconsciously banish, unless a friend is having a bad day, then she’ll all go mimic what I do, and try to comfort the person. And she says she couldn’t see me as a therapist, or that type of person. 0_o :sigh:)
Lotta self doubt, and depression.
I’m sorry for going on like that, but thank you for reading through it, it may not be very positive, but I’ll have my ear out as always, if you need to speak out. :sadhug: Talk again later.