Aaand my draft apparently kept, yay. xD Now I’ve typed it twice for no reason. Oops.

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You ever feel like you were slated to be blamed, for no other reason than it’s you? Yeah, that feeling. 🙁

I made quite a long post, and planned for it to be a lot shorter, not sure which I plan to do now. I’ll just let my words speak for themselves.

So, without dramatics, today was not great. We (as in my family) came home from shopping, and I sat down, finishing something on my phone, the youngest two around the corner of the room playing together. (8 and 4) so I hear them starting to get hyper, so finish what I’m doing and stand up, and see them throwing Lego at each other.
Enough is enough, before it becomes a actual issue, I call the younger one over, and lead him to mom in the kitchen.

I ask what to do, slightly exasperated (as if you’ve seen some of my posts, the two youngest are often going at each other, causing problems (let alone the 8 yr old often causes delays, due to his, personality, which is well, very immature for his age) and before I can say they were throwing Lego, she looks at me sideways, and gets annoyed at me for being “heavy handed” and steams herself into a rant that ends with me at the table, my device lost, and for fear of further rebuke, I couldn’t get a chance to say WHY I removed him.
(again, I lose track of how often she takes my device away, it’s just sad. Now some of you may not have understood this, but the internet is my really only connection to any form of friends (actual friends, not like random Facebook people like typical teenagers so I hear) and my only escape from daily life with her. I haven’t mentioned this, but she is a ENTJ, covert narcissist, and a lot to handle every day. ( ._.) )

Finally she turns around and stops, and I get to say as such.

She looks at me, miffed and annoyed for now another reason, as she goes “why the *censored* didn’t you say that when you brought him in here? You wasted my time, and now I’m angry, and you’ve just caused yourself a headache. Way to go ‘myname'”.

“But you didn’t let me say anything before you got onto the rant!” I say, not bothering to hide my upset-ness I was currently feeling, due to this injustice. (but hide my frustration, as apparently she’s the only one allowed to feel that according to her >__>

So I “meekly” (wasn’t feeling meek, but have to be all subverted with her or she just goes off AGAIN) ask if I can go, given permission, (along with my device thank goodness, despite not doing anything that would lose me it, there has been the times where she’ll say no “just because”)
But “if I can’t make supper in the time I wanted to, I’m not making it, I don’t care if it wasn’t your fault or not.”

honestly I’m used to it now, (which is sad by itself) but I will say, speak out if this rings a bell with your parent, or a situation that seems familiar.

But, I digress. I know I’m not the only one dealing with a covert narcissistic parent, let me know if this lit any lightbulbs in your head, as I know that for the longest time I constantly dealt with the guilt of not knowing what I was doing wrong (and often that guilt still haunts me).

I’m up here in my room now, crying and emptying the well so-to-speak. Despite it being a bad idea sometimes, to show emotion while around a narcissist, it’s equally bad to just suppress emotion. It’s like a tide, you have to let it ebb, flow, and recede, otherwise it will build up and crash, and leave you out of control of your emotions more so, which isn’t good for you, emotionally or mentally. 🙁

Going back downstairs in a few, going to have my “mask” back on, and I hope things go better.

It’s difficult, being in this position, but hopefully I will be, (and you, person reading this that is going through the same thing) in a better place soon, where I can use my empathic emotions and personality to help others, and be happy.

It may be tough, but I’ll hold out for that day, I know it’s not now, but it will be here someday. Just know, there is someone out there, that can relate to you. :sadhug:

Talk another time, best wishes for your day,

Void.